I got a letter today. This sentence finished the beautiful memory my friend shared with me. Her memory made me smile, and it made me think of many of my own and all the people in my past who have made me smile and made me cry.
For the past two years, I have been on a journey of forgiveness for those who have hurt me and those I have hurt. I have succeeded in finding most of the people involved, except a few. Some things needed to be faced head on so I could finally more on to more important things in my life…this is my journey. “Has it been easy?” You ask. “Hell no!” It’s probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It has sucked my vitality, my serenity, and nearly my sanity. It nearly cost me my marriage and the loss of a few people who were especially close to me. But in the process, I have rekindled lost friendships that I never should have lost in the first place. For this I am thankful. For those I have hurt…please accept my apology. For those who have done the hurting…I forgive you.
"When one person forgives, the world moves a step closer to peace."
An Apology Letter To Whom it May Concern…
I realized the only way I can really move on is if I make amends. I know I have not handled sensitive differences in the healthiest way possible through the years. My usual reaction when I think I am being put into a corner is to come out fighting or to at least come out shouting: “I’M RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG.” That way of thinking has only made me angrier. Sadly, I know that my desire to be right was a major fault of mine in our entire relationship. I also know that many times I was the one who pushed me in a corner to begin with.
I now know that our problems were as much my responsibility as they were yours. I wish we spent as much time working to solve the issues as we did trying to cover them up. In the past, our relationship was more “push and pull” than “give and take.” But we were not always this way.
I remember some really good times and I have many fond memories. I hope you do too. I hope that you will focus on those memories rather than the ones that are painful. I am working to let go of the pain and release my state of suffering. I truly hope you understand and will do the same.
I will admit that I have a difficult time dealing with loneliness after being ostracized from the group. I know that you probably haven’t experienced that like I have. However, it has been in times that I was lonely that I discovered things about me that I had forgotten or that I didn’t know existed. So, although I have been sad, and with the help of some very special people, I’m grateful I’ve found “ME” in this.
In the Bible, I am reminded, “My Happiness is in the LORD!” It is through Him that I can be happy. It is also through Him that I can forgive. He gives the ultimate picture of forgiveness in sending his Son to die on the cross for the sins of the world. I am releasing the anger that I’ve held. I cannot hold on to it any longer. It is not healthy. It will not make me happy. It will not strengthen me in any other aspect of my life. The anger I have felt will only hinder me from moving on from this time in my life. I forgive you for everything. I ask for your forgiveness as well.
I'm so sorry we hurt each other. I want our kinship to be restored and want it to grow deeper than it was before this happened. I no longer hold you responsible for my actions, nor my thoughts and feelings. I forgive you for lashing out in fear and anger because you felt betrayed by me. I will no longer live my life in a shell. I will no longer disappear inside myself and be permanently invisible. I will no longer think I was not worthy to be part of life, of earth, and of God. I no longer want to live in a vicious cycle of justified resentment and blame.
I cannot guarantee I will not continue building walls to prevent even more pain from being stored behind them or for the stoic silence I displayed when my mind was screaming for release the only way I knew how. I forgive you for the tears you caused hoping I would eventually drown. I am proud I am a survivor of many ordeals and I will live my life to the fullest with or without you. God Bless.
Very Sincerely,
Your Wife, Your Mother, Your Sister, Your Victim, Your Friend…
1 comment:
My words, "I cry for what I know I can never have again, but smile because they live within me." This isn't the first time that you have repeated my words...it feels odd that I could ever say anything worth repeating.
Your journey of forgiveness hasn't been waisted as long as you feel better for it, and I feel you do. That's thumbs up for you girl ! Don't stop now. As long as you reconize the signs, your good. So now that you've made all your apology's...it's time to move on. Don't dwell on them, don't take them to bed with you. Leave them outside the door. It's time they learned to fend for themselves...
Your shouting, "I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG"...is something I have felt but only in the young years of a rebelious, strong minded, I'll do what I want, when I want, get the hell out of my way, I'm going to save the world, hippy type.....lol I out grew it, atleast I out grew my hip hug'n bell bottoms...lol I know I can't save the world, but that I'll do what I want, when I want, get the hell out of my way girl is still alive and kick'n.
I now only ask forgiveness from God, I no longer "want" the forgiveness of anyone else. For one very simple reason...."I have come to realize I have NEVER, hurt anyone or anything in my life just to watch the pain." Now don't take that the wrong way. I am by NO means saying I am better then anyone else in this world. I am only saying that I'm not as bad as I thought I was....and neither are YOU !
So now that you have said all your, "i'm sorry's" and "I forgive's"....get on with yourself.
The freindships that you have rekindled are meant to be, or you wouldn't have found them again....the ones you can't yet find are lost for a reason....leave them alone. The people that have stayed in your life are of two different kind. Those that belong as in Mike, kids, some family, some friends...and those that are still in your life as in...those that have hurt you, they are there to remind you what not to do again. They are just the waist product of years ago...the past...and the past can't hurt us unless you bring it forward.
Like looking at old photo's...there's nothing on that paper that can hurt us...what hurts us is ourselves, for not letting go of something we really can't change..."let it go"..."let it go..." Just move on with a big O' smile on your face....(it always makes people wonder what's going on up stairs)...love to keep'm guess'n...lol
As for your apology to me...I don't except it....
Don't want it....
Don't need it....
You are and have been my friend for many years, you just didn't know it....
"Friends don't have to apologize, they just know"...
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