...Pondering About Change...

“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change.” ~Katherine Hepburn, Me: Stories of My Life

“They say a leopard doesn’t change his spots; do you think that people ever really change the way they are?” This was the topic of a few conversations I’ve had recently. These are a few more responses I heard, “The only time in the lifetime you can change someone is when they are in diapers.” Another one was, “People don’t change, they redirect, i.e. a recovering alcoholic is still an alcoholic, they are just redirected.” And another response, “Change is much easier if one is motivated to change. If one is unmotivated, it is difficult, if not impossible, to force a change just because you want it to happen.” This question usually pops up when someone is frustrated with another’s behavior and has “tried everything” to get that person to change his ways. When nothing makes an impact, the pessimistic conclusion is that change is not possible.

In my opinion, for what it’s worth, there is truth in each one of these statements. I’m not sure if I entirely believe in the first response, but it did make me laugh. I believe the second statement is more accurate. Change doesn’t take place magically like it does in fairy tales. Sure, you can fantasize that people can change their habits the way they change their clothes. Just do it! Snap out of it! Out with the old and in with the new. Kiss a toad and find a prince. Sorry, this is not the way change works in the real world. Someone can't change if they can't see themselves doing anything wrong. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

I believe people can change, but I believe change takes time. From my personal observation, change that lasts precipitates from a crisis or some earth shattering epiphany and it doesn’t always include certain character traits. You have to feel it in your marrow before real true change can happen. When change happens quickly, I’m not certain it rarely lasts. It’s exhilarating when someone is stimulated by a motivational speaker or captivated with the achievements of reality show contestants, or even momentarily electrified by a spiritual leader. I know, because I have felt those temporary sensations. They are great ways to jumpstart change. But I also know that meaningful change, like honesty, love, and trust, must survive the test of time.

At times, I have thought that a narcissistic personality prohibits a person from truly changing. I discussed this notion with a “professional” and he confirmed much of my thinking is true by enlisting these following comments: “Narcissists seek out relationships that will feed their ego. People in their lives are treated as extensions of themselves. Whatever they want, the other person should want. Narcissists can, at times, by quite generous with others. Their generosity, however, has to feed their ego and their sense of importance. Narcissists need continuous validation from others to feel good about themselves. Feeling empty on the inside, they have an insatiable need for praise and acknowledgment from the outside, and show little empathy for others. Looking at a situation from a different viewpoint is either foreign to them or is shrugged off as unimportant.”

Yes, this was a fascinating conversation, which makes me ponder the phenomenal success of social networking websites. We show others our narcissist tendencies when we feel the need to post something about our lives (which I’m guilty of) and wait for others to “like” or “comment” on our statuses. We look for those we lost touch with until our eyes bleed, the jock, the cheerleader the most likely and the less likely to succeed, the old lover, the nerd, and of course, our childhood friends. We continue to judge them by the content of their posts, only to discover, in our minds, some of them have never changed. So, why do we continue to be voyeurs and continually visit their profiles to validate our suspicions? The answer…the need to know is inherent of human nature, and to prove without a doubt our suspicions were right. After Harry left Sally, what became of him and had he changed his cheating ways? Who did Sally marry after the break up? Our feelings, our lives, our children’s and our grandchildren’s lives are displayed for John and Jane Q World to see and interact with. While we are looking at them to see if they changed, they are looking back at us. Did we measure up to their expectations? Scary isn’t it? Then you wonder about change…