Secrets…
Look, who’s in control now? The pain is an indiscriminate mess of hurt that has no future. It is the darkest secret that will eat away at your consciousness until there is nothing left. Frenzied thoughts plague every fiber of your being telling you, you’ll never win…you’re destined to always lose…and life as you knew it no longer matters. These are the beliefs of someone who is contemplating suicide…
When I was fifteen, I almost successfully sliced my wrists. I still have the physical and mental scars to remind me. Something told me not to. Something as real as a human whisper told me to keep on living, find out what you want and what you are about. I did. Rape in any extreme is an embarrassing and shameful experience. I was left hurt, alienated and thoroughly exposed…I kept it to myself…I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if they knew. I refused to let people know me well, because I was afraid of what they’ll think about my dark side.
On my side was my strict religious upbringing. It painted an ugly version of what happens to those who commit suicide…my soul rotting forever in purgatory, the closest place to hell. I was already in hell, what was the difference? I was betrayed and it kept me closed up. My family never knowing my pain pegged me as a moody teen and left me alone. If they suspected, they kept it to themselves, whispering...I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to relive it…IT…they all had an answer to why I was such a “problem”.
I searched for truth and understanding when love found me. I never saw it coming. He stood by me and gave me the gift of enormous generosity of spirit and unequivocal love. I longed to be known fully and still be loved. It didn’t come overnight, nor day, weeks, months, but many years later.
My admission of my own inherent vulnerability, my weakness, my tenderness of skin, fragility of heart, and my overwhelming desire to be relived of this burden, to be forgiven of my ultimate aloneness and to forgive my aggressors has finally come. Freedom comes with forgiveness and "butterflies don’t carry rocks"…
And life as we know it… goes on…
6 comments:
My Dear, Dear Friend,
I am so proud of you, you have accomplished so much in you life. Today's confession was a huge step. I didn't know if you could tell your blogger world the reason why your butterflies don't carry rocks, but look at you go girl!
OX
It's been almost 10 years for me, I know what's it's like not to be able to tell anyone and suffer alone. You have given me courage.
A very brave confession!
Bravo!
Thank you for sharing.
Nina
As your friend so many years ago, you didn't keep your secret from me so very well. But being the kind of person that God has made me, I knew enough to keep my mouth shut, and not ask question to what was so very painful to you, and obvious to me. Moody was an understatement when it came to knowing you. We all have and have had secrets. Those from childhood are now (that we are in ours late 50') are now stories that we share with our grandchildern and laugh with same O' line...."when I was your age". In our deepest hearts we hold onto that first love, first kiss, the first hand we hold with such fear and sweaty palms....those secrets we mostly keep to ourselves. I think mostly because they are what keeps us young if only in our own minds. They're special, they're tender, and they're for keeps. We have secrets as teenagers. Those are the secrets that can scare the crap out of a person. The secrets that you pray your grandchildern won't do. Drag racing down the road to Reedsburg Dam, smoking a joint, and washing it down with a beer. God forbit they should find out I washed it down with Lime Vodka or Strawberry Boonsfarm. I think secrets of a teenager are the worst. Everything seems so much worse then it really is. Bigger then life itself. I blame it on Raging Hormones, and not understanding the why and why nots of growing up. We have secrets at every age. Every stage of our lives has something we all want to hide. And then there are the secrets we long to beable to share. Those secrets have nothing to do with who loves you, who believes in you, or who your friends are. Instead they have everything to do with who you have grown into being. I truely believe we are all a work in progress...my life has taken so many twist and turns that sometimes I feel like I'm spinning sitting down. But every morning I wake up, put my feet on the floor, and I thank God for another day....and if I listen very carefully, sometimes I swear I can hear the devel say, "Shit ! She's up." I am a fighter, I've had to be. I know no other way.
I am happy for you, that you have finally talked about it...it's a good thing. :o)
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