Don’t you just hate it when you wake up in the morning and you wish you were somewhere else? I feel like that all too often in the past few years. Where I want to be is unclear or even what I want to do is unclear. But, I know I want to be by myself. That is my confession today.
I don’t know about other people feel, I can only speak for myself. The illusion of free will is so strong in my mind that I can’t get away from it, but I believe it is only an illusion. But it is an illusion, which is one of the strongest motives of my actions. Before I do anything I feel I have choices, and that influences what I do; but afterwards, when the thing is done, I believe it was inevitable from all eternity. The trouble is, I don’t act on my choices and they remain illusions of what I would like to do and that is to stand on my own two feet answering only to myself.
Now, if I said this to my doctor he would probably suggest:
- I’m depressed.
- Maybe a little bi-polar.
- What happened to make me to think like this?
- Empty nest syndrome.
- Sexual issues. Yes, that’s it. Doesn’t all our problems stem from a sexual issue?
- Change your job.
- Quit your job.
- Yes…you are definitely depressed.
- Do you think it’s your marriage, you are married aren’t you?
Then I would say, “You see, it seems to me, one’s like a closed bud, there are things that have peculiar significance for one, and they open a petal; and the petals open one by one; and at last the flower is there.” I am satisfied with this metaphor. I don’t know how else to explain a thing that I feel and yet was not clear about.
The doctor would look at me and lower his eyes to look at the new smudge on his polished black loafers. Wishing he was in another room because he doesn’t know how to answer.
Now after starring at me he suggests that I am definitely:
1. Depressed.
2. Maybe a little manic.
3. Unrealistic about life.
4. Did I have any recent trauma, such as a death in the family?
5. I need to find a job.
6. I need to get involved… With how many more things?
7. Definitely depressed…that’s it, depression. The symptom that masks all the things wrong with a person.
8. Are you contemplating something permanent, like suicide?
9. Are you happy in your own skin? Sexual disorientation?
10. Yes. Definitely depressed. Take this little pill and it will make things better and I’ll see you in two weeks.
He didn’t say I needed an extended vacation. Darn! I was hoping that’s all I needed. Time to refresh and renew body and soul. A sabbatical of the senses and learn to like the person I am. All this will be cured by a little yellow pill. To be continued…
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